NO PROOF NEEDED

“Attempts to prove one’s value are altogether futile. No proof can bring lasting self-confidence to anyone who doubts himself; no circumstance can be too trivial to serve as a testing ground for the uncertain.” – Rudolf Dreikurs

This goes for parents as well. It is always a mistake to try to prove to your children that you love them. All you need do is ask yourself, “Do I love my children?” If the answer comes back “yes,” then you are free to go about the business of being a parent to your children. All attempts to prove to your children that you love them will lead to disaster. Your children will quickly learn to exploit your insecurity by demanding evidence that you love them. These demands will gradually become more and more outrageous.

HELICOPTER PARENTS

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck

What does this say about our tendency to over protect our children? Could it be that our desire to keep our children comfortable, happy and fulfilled is actually robbing them of the motivation they need to grow and mature? Parents who hover over their children have been labeled, “helicopter parents.” An example of a helicopter parent is a parent who talks on the phone or text messages a college son or daughter several times each day. This form of interference undermines a young person’s ability to discover life for him or herself.

ANXIETY

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” -Arthur Somers Roche

Off all the human emotions, anxiety is most easily transferred from one to another. The anxious mother soon has an anxious child. If parents are anxious about every day dangers and events, they will easily transmit these anxieties to their children. Make an effort to be calm and reasonable when dealing with the dangers and risks of life. This will not add a burden to the lives of your children.

THE NEED TO BELONG

“Children desperately want to belong. If they feel accepted, they maintain their courage and present few problems. They do what the situation requires and gets a sense of belonging through there usefulness and participation.” – Floy Pepper

When children’s belonging needs are met they are cooperative, well behaved, eager to learn and adventurous. On the other hand, when their belonging needs go unmet, children are troublesome, discouraged and mischievous. Their mischief and troublemaking is aimed at getting the attention they need but were unable to get through cooperative behavior.

DON’T OVER-CORRECT

“The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.” – T. H. White

White’s observation applies to parents and their children as well. It’s important for parents to patiently allow their children to learn from experience, rather than stepping in to correct them at every moment. After all, one thorn of experience is worth an entire wilderness of warning. By over correcting our children, we undermine their confidence and diminish their initiative. Never do for your child what your child can do for themselves, even if they do it imperfectly at first.

BLAMING OTHERS

“Blaming puts the locus of control outside of us, which is ultimately disempowering.”

Whenever you ask your arguing children, “Who started it,” you tempt them to lie. Blaming others is never a useful thing to do in personal relationships. Encourage your children to take responsibility for their own behavior and decisions. Be a model for them by taking full responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

THE CHILD AS ALLY

“There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner.” – Rudolph Dreikurs

All too often, parents pit a child against their other parent. A parent may do this by claiming that the child is offended by something the other parent says or does. When, in fact, it is the adult who takes offense at their partner’s actions or words. It is never appropriate for one parent to recruit a child as an ally against the other parent. This confuses children and puts them in a loyalty bind.

LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

“Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings conformably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.” – Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons

It is important to teach our children to be assertive. To be assertive is not about pushing others around. It is about standing up for yourself. We cannot be with our children at every moment. It is important for them to know how to be assertive, to be able to express themselves and refuse to go along with others when they know it is wrong.

Dignity and Self-Respect

“You are your most important resource. You always carry yourself with you.” – Virginia Satir

Virginia Satir, a gifted therapist and teacher, was a champion of self-esteem. She taught that dignity and self-respect were essentials for a responsible and fulfilling life. This is why it is so important to build our children up and never tear them down, not matter how frustrated we may be with their behavior. We must learn to set limits and establish discipline without doing damage to their dignity self-respect.

ACTION NOT WORDS

Children tend to become “parent-deaf” and act only when we raise our voices in a threatening manner.

When they are continually addressed in this manner, they only respond momentarily. In most cases, children know what we expect of them. By over-using our loud, threatening voice, we are conditioning our children to ignore ordinary conversation. Parents who raise their voices in an attempt to control their children are using their loud voice as a remote control device. They are too lazy to walk over to the child and speak in a calm but firm voice. Instead they yell from across the room — or from another room– in an unfriendly manner, hoping to save themselves the trouble of speaking to their child person-to-person. Practice communicating with your child in a firm but friendly way. Save your loud voice for emergencies.