NO PROOF NEEDED

“Attempts to prove one’s value are altogether futile. No proof can bring lasting self-confidence to anyone who doubts himself; no circumstance can be too trivial to serve as a testing ground for the uncertain.” – Rudolf Dreikurs

This goes for parents as well. It is always a mistake to try to prove to your children that you love them. All you need do is ask yourself, “Do I love my children?” If the answer comes back “yes,” then you are free to go about the business of being a parent to your children. All attempts to prove to your children that you love them will lead to disaster. Your children will quickly learn to exploit your insecurity by demanding evidence that you love them. These demands will gradually become more and more outrageous.

HELICOPTER PARENTS

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck

What does this say about our tendency to over protect our children? Could it be that our desire to keep our children comfortable, happy and fulfilled is actually robbing them of the motivation they need to grow and mature? Parents who hover over their children have been labeled, “helicopter parents.” An example of a helicopter parent is a parent who talks on the phone or text messages a college son or daughter several times each day. This form of interference undermines a young person’s ability to discover life for him or herself.

ANXIETY

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” -Arthur Somers Roche

Off all the human emotions, anxiety is most easily transferred from one to another. The anxious mother soon has an anxious child. If parents are anxious about every day dangers and events, they will easily transmit these anxieties to their children. Make an effort to be calm and reasonable when dealing with the dangers and risks of life. This will not add a burden to the lives of your children.

THE NEED TO BELONG

“Children desperately want to belong. If they feel accepted, they maintain their courage and present few problems. They do what the situation requires and gets a sense of belonging through there usefulness and participation.” – Floy Pepper

When children’s belonging needs are met they are cooperative, well behaved, eager to learn and adventurous. On the other hand, when their belonging needs go unmet, children are troublesome, discouraged and mischievous. Their mischief and troublemaking is aimed at getting the attention they need but were unable to get through cooperative behavior.

DON’T OVER-CORRECT

“The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.” – T. H. White

White’s observation applies to parents and their children as well. It’s important for parents to patiently allow their children to learn from experience, rather than stepping in to correct them at every moment. After all, one thorn of experience is worth an entire wilderness of warning. By over correcting our children, we undermine their confidence and diminish their initiative. Never do for your child what your child can do for themselves, even if they do it imperfectly at first.

MISTAKES

“If you want to increase you success rate, double your failure rate.” – Thomas Watson

Parents are usually too concerned about their children’s mistakes. Making mistakes is an important part of learning. Too much attention paid to mistakes will undermine your child’s confidence and thwart their initiative. We must learn to correct our children’s mistakes without over emphasizing these mistakes in the process. Oftentimes mistakes are creative new ways of doing things.

THE PROBLEM OF AFFLUENCE

“The penalty of affluence is that it cuts one off from the common lot, common experience, and common fellowship. In a sense it outlaws one automatically from one’s birthright of membership in the great human family.” – Arnold Toynbee

There is a hidden treasure in the current economic crisis. Financial hardship, especially when it is widespread, touching all classes, tends to bring people together in a common spirit. Affluence has an alienating effect, separating the rich from the poor, the affluent from those who struggle to make ends meet. When everyone struggles, we are more inclined to join hands and work together. This community spirit is long overdue in our culture.

LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

“Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings conformably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.” – Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons

It is important to teach our children to be assertive. To be assertive is not about pushing others around. It is about standing up for yourself. We cannot be with our children at every moment. It is important for them to know how to be assertive, to be able to express themselves and refuse to go along with others when they know it is wrong.

COURAGE TO SEE

“To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.” — Henri Matisse

While the famous impressionist artist, Matisse, was talking about seeing the world around him in a new and different light, the same thing in true of parents and their children. Sometimes it takes courage to see our children as unique, individual persons, and not merely extensions of ourselves.

AVOID A FIRST IMPULSE

“By acting on our first impulse, we tend to reinforce the child’s behavior patterns, rather than to correct them.” – Rudolph Dreikurs

Children are skilled at pushing our buttons. They only use what works. When we respond to our first impulse, we are often playing right into their hands. We must take a moment to think before we respond to our child’s misbehavior. Our first impulse is usually a reaction to the situation and not a well thought out response. Mindful parenting requires us to slow down, act with patience and remain calm.